Severed Heads and Other Stuff

In a conversation earlier today, someone very important to me told me that he thought he was going to die when his head became severed from his body.  He SWORE he just knew, though he did say it wasn’t going to happen anytime in the near future.  (thank the gods.) 

Now, I realize that’s a bit graphic and gruesome, but that’s really not what this post is about.  Talking to him made me realize that I have the same sorts of “feelings”.  In fact, I think I always knew I was going to get cancer.  How?  I’m not sure exactly, but I remember seeing the Rose Cancer Center years ago at Royal Oak Beaumont Hospital and thinking “hey, that looks familiar, bet I’m going to be there a lot”.  And so I was…

There are other “feelings” too, from cities and houses that seem overly familiar to me, to people that I swear I’ve known for centuries.  When my momma was alive, she would say that it was because I had an “old soul”.   Perhaps true.  It does make me feel like a serious badass to think that I have an “old soul”.    But is that actually a good thing?

The thing is, I really feel like the cancer is going to come back.  I hate to even write that or say it out loud, but it’s unfortunately how I feel.  Could it be just paranoia?  Perhaps.  Could my unconscious know something?  Perhaps.  Could I just be looking for a reason to not truly live?  Perhaps.  Who the hell knows.  

And no, I didn’t say I was going to die of cancer.  Just that my argument with it isn’t quite over.

Thinking that the cancer will be back at some unknown point in the future does cause its issues, basically because the cancer almost killed me.  And believe it or not, I’m not talking about physically.  The cancer sucked the “me” out of “me”.  It stole SO much from me, just about everything short of my life.  Even when I was cancer free, I was still a changed person in the end.  And not all for the better.  But I clawed my way out and am moving forward.  Baby steps back to the real me. 

That being said, can I really put my friends/family/love in that position again?  Can I really ask them to watch “me” disappear while I climb into my hole and try to survive.  How fucking unfair is THAT?   Granted, the majority would happily be there to support me.  But can I really ask them to potentially put up with me turning into Ms. Queen “don’t touch me” Bitch again?  I’m not so sure.  At the same time, is it fair to run away just because I THINK something might happen?  Uhm…Nope.  So where does that leave things?

I may not have answers, but in the meantime I will try and figure out which visions are truly visions, and which are just my imagination.  Hypochondria does run in my family…

And I offer up a sincere apology to those who had to endure my BS last time.  Although I’ve still got that “feeling,” the fact of the matter is that I am currently alive and well.  To give up and shut down at this early point in the game just seems like quitting.  And those of you that know me, know that quitting isn’t really my forte’. 

Maybe someday people will be able to forgive “cancer” me.  I’m certainly trying to.  And in the spirit of it all, since I AM currently alive and well, I’m going to do my best to hold tightly to what’s truly important.  If the goddam cancer comes back, fine.  I will deal with it then.  I’m a little too busy living right now to let myself continue to obsess about it.