Well, that's not easy at all

While sitting in the hospital waiting room today, I was texting my amazing wonderful friend telling her how crabby I was.  Being crabby for me is a bit out of character.  At least, being crabby for this length of time is out of character for me.  Thing is, I’m a silver lining kind of girl.  Glass half full.  “This too shall pass” as my momma used to say.

And yet, I can’t seem to get past a mountain of things at this very moment.  The following is part of the text conversation:

Her:  How long will the surgery take?

Me:  An hour I think.  It’s just interesting sitting here by myself.  Lots of time to think.

Her:  Whatcha thinking about?

Me:  Just lots of stuff going on.  Parent crap.  Kid crap.  Lots of people are frustrating me right now.  But maybe I’m the idiot cuz I’m the common denominator.

Her:  It’s very possible.  Surely you are contributing to the problem in some way.  Give me the list baby!  J

Me:  {list of names}.  The list of people that annoy me is bigger than the list of people that don’t.  And that’s just sad.  Plus my house is a fucking pit and everytime I intend on cleaning I just go to bed.  Fairly fucked up I’d say.

Her:  Fairly normal I’d say.  Me and you have the same problem.  I know I’m a huge part of my problem so I gotta assume you are a huge part of yours.  J

Me:  I’m starting to see the light.  I just don’t seem to have the inclination to do anything about it.

Her:  Seeing is the first step.

Me:  Yeah.  Now I need a nap.

Her:  Napping is not step two.

Me:  Duly noted.

Her:  Let me know when you’re ready for step two.

A few hours later…

Her:  How’s your mom?

Me:  OK.  She’s in a room complaining.  What’s step two?

Her:  Step two is deciding, now that you recognize you have a problem, whether or not you want to do anything about it.  Or if you just want to accept things as they are.

Me:  No.  I can’t just accept it.  I’m pretty crabby these days.

Her:  Me too.  Step three is to decide what you want.  Cause you can’t figure out how to get to a place if you don’t know what that place is gonna be.  So, you work on that part and then we’ll figure out the how together.

Me:  Well, that’s not easy at all.

And there you have it.  DUH!!!  Not sure why I didn’t realize the "real" problem sooner.

I, in fact, have no frickin’ idea what I want out of life at this moment.  At one point, fairly recently (as in over the past few years) I did.  Now I don’t.  What the hell happened?  Was it cancer?  My dad’s death?  Taking care of my mother?  My series of messed up relationships?  Watching my plan to move to Montana after my youngest graduates disappear like Brigadoon?  My extremely wonderful yet unfulfilling job?  Who the hell knows. 

I do know that I’ve got to get it figured out post-haste.  Crabby me is just unattractive and irritating.  And if I'm unattractive and irritating to myself, the rest of the world must be at the end of their ropes dealing with me.