Merry Go Round

I went to my Rack Pack meeting yesterday at Gilda’s.  I haven’t been in quite some time, so I thought maybe I should.  Plus one of my friends was in town from Texas and wanted to see everyone again.  I did miss her.

I believe there were about 7-8 women there yesterday, all breast cancer survivors, all under 40.  As I turned 40 last year, I’m technically “grandfathered in” and can stay in the group – at least for a while.  Regardless, maybe it was only the fact that I hadn’t been there in a while, but I didn’t feel my normal “relief” that I usually do after the meeting.  In fact, the whole time I sat in that meeting I felt like I didn’t belong.  Why?  That’s the big question. 

Maybe it’s because so many of the members in that room are later stage survivors.  So many of them are in active treatment.  Yes, there were several of us that are years out – the furthest being 5 years.  And there I was, 3 years cancer free.  Maybe it’s that several of them had new babies and my kids are growing up?  Maybe it’s the fact that I didn’t freeze my eggs?  Maybe it’s guilt?

Hmmmm….what was wrong with me last night?!  And what’s wrong with me now?

Even when I listened to those talk that were also “cancer free” for years, I had issues relating to their stories.  Most of them had husbands and kids and talked about how they were dealing with things.  Yes, I have my youngest son with me, but at 9 he really doesn’t want to bring up the fact that I used to be bald, sleepy, etc.  It’s more of a “don’t talk about it and it didn’t really happen” concept.  I get that for a kid his age, but I wonder what he’s thinking sometimes?  I’m sure he thinks about it.  Kids absorb a lot more than we think they do.  But I don’t feel right bringing it up at this point.

I will try one more time to go to a meeting, likely next month.  Maybe I will feel more at ease.  I want to belong, I truly do.  I don’t like the idea of pushing feelings and thoughts aside, but maybe sometimes its better?  Maybe it’s more of a listening thing?  Maybe it’s more of a support thing?  Maybe I’m not the one that needs to be talking anymore?  Maybe I just need to listen to them?  Maybe my role has changed? 

And…I am healthy…maybe I shouldn’t feel guilty about it?  Then again…why am I healthy while they aren’t?  Why me and not them?  Why am I so frackin’ special?  What the hell do I have to whine and complain about?

It’s a merry-go-round and I think it’s time for me to jump off.