Seize the Day (Again)

I’ve written a lot of about this in the past but the statement seems to make more and more sense to me as the years go by.  Seize the damn day people.  Seize the damn day.

Over the past few years, I’ve become more and more comfortable with life in general.  Well, “comfortable” in that I’m starting to see what’s really important and what’s really not.  I’ve realized that in fact we don’t have unlimited time on this earth and to pretend that we do is just, well, absurd.  I’ve realized that being happy is not to be taken lightly.  I’ve realized that I deserve to have a kick ass future, and I deserve to share that kick ass future with people I love thereby giving THEM an even kickier ass future.  (So there.)  I’ve realized that going through the motions, or doing something just because I feel obligated or guilty is not truly living.  And these my friends, have been some damn hard lessons to learn.

Yes.  This all started with my cancer diagnosis, one that threw me completely off my rocker.  (And I do realize that it’s “normal” so don't go all therapy on me.)  Regardless, I’m still dealing with the aftermath today, even though I’m healthy.   I’m still trying to make sense of it all - what I went through, what I lost, what I gained.  I’m still trying to hold on to my belief in fate – to the idea that everything happens for a reason, even the super shitty stuff.

The people that have passed on over the last few years have truly taught me some of the greatest lessons.  Momma, Shannon, Deb, My Uncle, My Dad…so many have taught me that living, truly LIVING is the most important thing of all.  They have taught me that “just getting by” is not exactly living.  They have taught me not to settle for “ok”, or “almost”.  They have taught me that my life, and those lives around me are precious and to treat them as any less is absolutely disrespectful.  They have taught me that to think that I can wait to “fix things” or “try again” or “make things right”  or even to say “I love you” is never the appropriate attitude to have.  They have taught me that effort is key.  All we have is today.  Make the most of it now.

Last summer at Gilda’s I watched a documentary on young adult cancer.  Although the documentary itself was great, the main thing I remember about that movie was the final song.  (yes, I know…me…getting obsessed with the lyrics of a song.  Sigh…)

Done Living

By Justin McRoberts

Well, I spent the whole night fighting, fighting with some ghost

And when the break of morning found me, I had both won and lost

You see the question isn't are you gonna to suffer anymore

But what will it have meant when you are through?

The question isn't are you gonna to die, you're gonna to die.

But will you be done living when you do?

Yes, I spent the whole day running.  Trying to catch the sun

But when the darkness overtook me, all my running had made me strong

You see the question isn't are you gonna to suffer anymore

But what will it have meant when you are through?

The question isn't are you gonna to die, you're gonna to die.

But will you be done living when you do?

So run till you cannot take a single step in strength

Then crawl on your hands and knees, till your hands and knees they ache

And when you cannot crawl, it will be me you call to carry you back home again

Bottom line:  I want to live.  I want to fucking LIVE goddammit.  I don’t want to wait.  I don’t want to walk on eggshells hoping I say or do the right thing so that my life just falls into place.  I don’t want to wait for someone else to make a move.  I don’t even want to wait for fate to make a move.  (Though yes, I still believe 100% in fate and “what is meant to be will be”.)  But I want to be happy and to create a happy life for those I love NOW.  And that I will do.  That I AM doing.  I am making those positive moves, it just doesn't always look like it from the outside.

Tomorrow is not promised.  My biggest fear in life is to die with regret.  To realize that I should have done something different.  To figure out too late that I spent my days bitching, fretting and worrying.  To realize that my kids missed out on some experience because of me.  To realize that I didn't cherish those relationships that are important to me.


I don’t want to realize that I lived my life like a never-ending chess game – spending minutes, hours, even days PLANNING to live and never actually living.

Effort is key.  I'm making the effort.  Who's with me?

And as a side note on a somewhat different subject but still having to do with "being happy" and not "waiting", one can in fact get a brazillian wax even though no one else is going to see it at this point in time.  It's all about being comfortable in the "now".  But that's a story for another day...